Excerpts from the NewSouth edition of “Huckleberry Finn”

The Adventures of Huckleberry FinnNewSouth Books announced plans to release a sanitized version of Mark Twain’s “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.”  The new edition is notable for the slight modernization of the great American book while paying respect to the original text.
Me and Tom Sawyer went tiptoeing along a path near the widow’s garden.  I made a noise and laid still.  Miss Watson’s big slave, named Jim, walked up on us.
“What the hell are you two doing out here?” he says.  “I’m calling your parents.”
Tom rose up, cause he never heard this slave speakin so well prior.  “You have no right to say such things, nig…” says Tom, before Jim covered his mouth with his hand.  Laws, the slave looked angry.
“I don’t recommend using that term unless you want an ass beating,” Jim says.  “Now where are your parents?”
“Don’t know, but don’t says nothin cause my pap will tan my hide,” I said.
“Your father beats you?”
“No sir.  He gets me to lay there in the booth without my rags like I was nappin, and when I woke I’d have no tan lines at all.  The old man then takes me to the gym and makes me wash my rags.  He says, ‘You gotta make sure you’re looking your best, bro.’”
Jim looked surprised.  “Your father is raising you with Jersey Shore?  That ain’t right.”
I didn’t like the sound of that, so I slung some mud at the slave and we escaped.
I come to a clearing in the woods, and there laid a man on the ground.  It was Miss Watson’s Jim!  I bet I was glad to see him.  I says, “Hello, Jim!”
He bounced up and stared at me wild.  “Boy, you scared the shit out of me!  You so much as breathe at me the wrong way again, I’ll slap you so hard, you’ll think Native American Joe was a pussycat!”
He scared me mighty.  I done slung him some mud and ran off.

Mary Jane had her face in her hands, crying.  I felt awful bad to see it.  She said the beautiful trip to England was most about spoiled for her; she didn’t know how she was ever going to be happy there, knowing the mother and the children warn’t ever going to see each other no more.
“But they will – and inside of two weeks – and I know it!” says I.
Laws, it was out before I could think!  And before I could budge she throws her arms around my neck and told me to say it AGAIN, say it AGAIN, say it AGAIN!  Then her shirt came off.
I thought someone done washed my pants wrong, cause they seemed tighter.  I weren’t sure what to do, given there was no mud to sling, but I did want to write to Penthouse.
We had Jim out of the chains in no time.  Tom give Jim forty dollars for being prisoner for us so patient and doing it up so good.  Jim busted out and says:
“You stupid ass white boys almost got me killed!  You think 40 bucks is going to cover it?  I’m going to make it my life’s mission that you little shits spend the rest of your ball-dropping years in juvie!”
That Jim, always talkin’ so sivlized.  He then slung me some mud, right in my face.  Laws, now I look like him.

Mark Ciemcioch

A graduate of the Second City writing program, Mark Ciemcioch has performed stand-up comedy throughout Western New York and Southern Ontario. He is also an award-winning journalist and sketch writer for the monthly DOH Variety Show at the Ninth Ward in Babeville. Mark is looking forward to working with Buffalocomedy.com, because if there's one thing the world needs more of, its the perspective of married white guys.

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