Yoo Hoo, Shithead. We hate you too.

Written by Rick Matthews

Published on with No Comments

From Rick Matthews’ “Sweating away my set list”

People hate fat people. Not all people, but a whole bunch of them. We fat folks know this. You may think you are putting on a face of fake happiness. Instead, I just want to smash your face. Yeah, I’m talking to you, tiny fuck with a beard at GNC when I was in there asking questions. I saw it written all over your face. Here is how the conversation went.
Rick: Hey, how’s it going man. I was wondering if you guys carried Raspberry Ketone? I heard a lot about it.
Fuckface: Yeah, it’s right here(Hands me bottle) It’s 30 bucks though, just so you know.
Rick: Oh, right on. It says this capsule has 100 MG per. The one at Feel-Rite has 300. Is there a difference?
Fuckface: Well, it was only tested on like lab rats, so I have no idea. Dr Oz said 100, so your call.
Rick: I’ll shop around more. Thanks for your help….
And Scene.
This is how it actually went down. Doesn’t seem too bad. If you are just reading it. However, with body language and eye contact, this is how it went down.
Rick: Hey, how’s it going man. I was wondering if you guys carried Raspberry Ketone? I heard a lot about it.
Fuckface: Yuck. You nasty fat fuck. What are you doing in this store. We don’t sell cheeseburgers. I bet you saw this on Dr Oz, and now you think it will make all of your tits go away at once, without ever going into a gym. Typical fucking pig.
Rick: Oh you pretentious ******* (Insert any word that might offend you). I go to the gym, but I heard this stuff can boost your metabolism. And yeah, I may have heard it on Dr Oz, but fuck you.
Fuckface: Yeah, here it is fats. It’s 30 bucks though. Bet you can’t wait to pour your money out for this. Maybe if I make it seem way too expensive you’ll take your smelly fat self out of here now, and let me get back to listening to Wilco.
Rick: God Damn you and everything you stand for. I want to take you by the beard, and fuck your eye out. I want to take you to your parents house in the well landscaped suburbs, and beat the shit out of you in front of them. I’m better than you no matter how fat I ever am, because I’m not 34 years old working in RETAIL. You fucking failure of a human being. I bet you tell your friends you are a manager. It’s basically a fucking kiosk with tons of protein powder. Eat shit you 5’5 poor excuse of a douchbag. You look like the only thing you ever did well was run Cross Country in school. And we all know running Cross Country was just training to dance without a shirt in a gay bar.
And Scene.
This shit gets old. I want to go back to that place when I am thin. Act all Pretty Woman on him. “Big Mistake”.
Fucker.

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About Rick Matthews

Although raised in a small farm town south of Buffalo, Rick Matthews has a point of view that differs from those that are usually born out of small town life. Taking the bumpy points from his road of life and turning them into fodder for your enjoyment and his own personal therapy session are what have quickly earned him a reputation in the Western New York comedy community. Rick has opened for various national headliners, including Rich Vos, Jim Florentine, Sean Patton, Alysia Wood, and most recently, featured for a sold out Doug Stanhope, and was recently named Funniest Person in Buffalo after winning the 2012 Buffalo Laugh-Off Comedy Contest. Rick is the co-founder of the Rust Belt Comedy Tour and is current host of the Rust Belt Comedy Showcase every Tuesday at Nietzsche's in Buffalo, NY.

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